When Putting Others First Becomes a Way of Losing Ourselves
Many of us are taught explicitly or implicitly, that putting others first is a sign of strength, goodness, or selflessness. And to some extent, it is. Caring deeply, being reliable, offering support, these are all meaningful and valuable parts of being in relationship with others.
But what happens when this becomes a pattern that leaves no room for ourselves?
When we consistently prioritise other people’s needs, feelings, and expectations above our own, something quiet but significant can begin to happen: we lose touch with what we need, what we feel, and who we are.
The Cost of Chronic Self-Sacrifice
You might find yourself saying “yes” when your body says “no,” or checking in with others constantly while no one is checking in with you.
Over time, it can become difficult to even identify how you feel, your emotions might feel muted, confusing, or secondary to what everyone else is going through.
This kind of emotional suppression is often learned early in life. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where your role was to keep the peace, look after others, or not “make a fuss.” Over time, this can create a deeply ingrained belief that your needs are either less important or even a burden.
While selflessness can be a coping strategy or even a source of pride, it can also become a way of disconnecting from ourselves and from the possibility of being known and cared for as we truly are.
Signs You Might Be Losing Touch With Your Own Needs:
You struggle to name how you feel beyond “tired” or “stressed”
You feel guilty when you rest or say no
You’re quick to empathise with others but struggle to express your own pain
You feel resentful, drained, or invisible even in close relationships
You don’t know what you want, only what’s expected of you
Coming Back to Yourself
Therapy often becomes a space where we begin to ask: What about me?
Not in a selfish or dismissive way, but with curiosity and care. What do I want? What do I feel? What do I need right now?
Reconnecting with your emotional life can feel unfamiliar at first, even uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to being the one others lean on. But this reconnection is a vital part of healing.
When we start to honour our own needs, it not only strengthens our relationship with ourselves, but also allows us to show up for others in a way that’s sustainable and real.
You deserve to have space in your own life.
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Therapy can be a place to gently explore how these patterns formed and how you might begin to shift them not by abandoning others, but by including yourself.
