Why Do I Keep Attracting the Same People?

Have you ever found yourself saying, “Not again…” after yet another relationship, romantic, platonic, or professional, falls into the same uncomfortable pattern?

Maybe it’s the emotionally unavailable partner, the friend who constantly takes but rarely gives, or the collaborator who starts off with charm and ends in chaos.

Different faces, same feeling.

It’s easy to blame bad luck or external circumstances. But from a psychodynamic perspective, repetition in relationships is rarely accidental. Instead, these patterns often point toward something deeper: our unconscious mind quietly shaping the dynamics we’re drawn to, without us even realising it.

The Repetition Compulsion

Freud called it the repetition compulsion, our tendency to unconsciously recreate familiar emotional experiences from earlier in life, even when they were painful or unsatisfying.

Why? Because the psyche is always looking to resolve unfinished business.

We gravitate toward the familiar, not because it’s good for us, but because it’s known. The chaos, neglect, or emotional distance we might have experienced in childhood can become a blueprint. If love once felt unsafe, inconsistent, or conditional, we may keep seeking it out in similar forms, not because it’s what we want, but because it’s what we recognise.

Unconscious Roles and Emotional Echoes

In psychodynamic therapy, we often explore how these patterns are internalised. A child who had to be the peacekeeper in the family may grow into an adult who attracts conflict-prone partners, unconsciously trying to “fix” them. Someone who learned that love had to be earned may be drawn to people who make them work for affection, because on some level, they believe they have to.

The people we attract—and are attracted to—can act like emotional mirrors, reflecting back parts of ourselves we haven’t fully understood, accepted, or healed. Sometimes, it’s not just that they’re emotionally unavailable. It’s that something in us is drawn to that dynamic because it resonates with an unresolved wound.

Noticing the Pattern Is the First Step

If this feels uncomfortably familiar, that’s not a failure, it’s insight. And insight is powerful. Once we begin to notice the recurring themes in our relationships, we can start to make space for new choices. We can pause before repeating the same dance.

In therapy, exploring these patterns gently and relationally can help make the unconscious conscious. We might ask:

• What does this person remind me of?

• How do I feel in this relationship, and where have I felt that before?

• What part of me feels at home in this dynamic, even if it hurts?

These aren’t easy questions. But they open the door to deeper self-understanding—and with that, the possibility of new kinds of connection.

Healing Isn’t About Blame—It’s About Awareness

It’s tempting to beat ourselves up for “getting it wrong again,” but psychodynamic therapy encourages compassion for these patterns. They weren’t born from weakness—they were survival strategies. They were how we learned to get our needs met in environments that couldn’t always meet them.

Now, as adults, we have more freedom. But that freedom begins with awareness. When we start to see the roots of our patterns, we begin to loosen their grip.

You don’t have to keep attracting the same people. But to choose differently, you may need to first understand why the familiar has felt so magnetic.